Expectations

Expectations

Chris Berriman

            Expectations.  I was reminded of them at church and the emotional havoc they cause when they are not met.  The pastor challenged us to identify where we have placed expectations on God and been disappointed.  He told us to write them down and examine them.  This prompted me to consider the many expectations that I have.  Usually I place them on people, places and things. And when they do not pan out, I sometimes become disappointed, hurt, and even angry.

            I certainly did not expect my life to turn out the way it has.  I did not expect to be 49 and on my second marriage with no children.   I did not plan on becoming an alcoholic.   My childhood was normal; my parents were wonderful to me.  I went to church, attended private school, and I wanted for nothing.  I had a college education and a good job.  No trauma or tragedy occurred.  So why did I become an alcoholic?  It has a lot to do with the fact I cannot drink like other people.  And it has to do with control and expectations.  I drank because I wanted to be in control; I wanted people to do as I expected.  When they did not, I drank. 

            During the time when I was an alcoholic, I hated myself and figured God probably did too.  I had long been gone from God and the church.  Then I started attending Celebrate Recovery, an international Christian-based 12-step recovery program.  After that, I started going to AA and also returned to church.  At first I did not expect God to want me back.  It took me about 2 years to really believe that God could and would forgive me.  I thought my sins were the worst.  I can look back now and see how prideful that was.  I am truly grateful that my expectation of God in that time was not met.  He did want me back.  I was 38 when I got sober. 

            However, I still face daily challenges at home.  My husband is a nonbeliever and dually addicted to alcohol and nicotine.  He is a decent man with a deadly disease.  Although he is supportive of my journey, he does not want to stop drinking or smoking. My hopes are that his seeing the changes for good in my life will make him want to change as well.  That has not happened yet.  Perhaps, some day...

                Now when I get angry with God and question why I must endure this hardship, I return to scripture to help me cope.  Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a plan for me.  Jeremiah 32:17 says that nothing is too hard for God.  He is Sovereign.  He gives me His Word which provides instruction on how to pray (Philippians 4:6, 7) and how to trust in and lean on Him in all things (Proverbs 3:5, 6).  I believe His Word.  I trust Him.  He gave me a new life, and I know that my purpose here is to serve Him in all circumstances.  I am grateful today that I can be reminded of how expectations can affect my life.  I can examine them and know that God is in control.  Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done.